I was recently watching a movie with my 9-year-old daughter, and she asked me, “Why do all fairy tales end with love conquering followed by marriage and ‘happily ever after’?” The question bemused me.
It struck me how subtly the movies impart false correlations between love, marriage, and happiness—almost leading the young minds to believe that marriage leads to happiness.
But, it is not just the children. We are all guilty of at least a few unrealistic expectations about marriage. The glorification of marriage on-screen and in books has foreshadowed and polluted our view of real-life marriage with impossible romantic expectations.
There are a lot of you who may have the same perception of marriage. But, what does marriage look like in reality?
As a woman married for over five years currently processing a potential divorce, I’m here to tell you that marriage is no easy feat.
Here’s why:
7 Overlooked Reasons Why Marriage is Not Happily Ever After
The on-screen romanticization of marriages and existential reality are poles apart. Yet, as the most psychologically intense relationship, most individuals will ever experience, marriages can be both wonderful and daunting.
“From romantic date nights to constant verbal battles over power and authority, the highly glorified notion of bonding, togetherness, and soul mates fades away in the everyday conflicts that triumph in married life.”
Often overlooked, here are the seven reasons why marriage is anything but happily ever after:
1. Marriage is tough
Most people go into marriage with rose-colored glasses and delusions. They are not ready to face the fact that marriage is not just one powerful, intimate moment, but often:
- Verbal battles over money
- Identity crisis
- The growth and changes that each of you will make individually
- Juggling two sets of family obligations
- Balancing time with friends and family
- And so much more
Marriages are tough because we usually take our vows before even knowing what to expect out of the relationship. And, by merely that, many of us set forth on a journey of disappointment, dissatisfaction, and misery.
2. Losing Individuality While Making Adjustments
Successful marriages require an array of compromises and adjustments. After all, you and your partner have committed to sharing a lifetime together.
Most of the time, we have to give up on ‘me’ in order to become “we.” Both of you would need to adjust according to each other’s expectations and habits.
So, before stepping into the commitment, know exactly what you want in a spouse, and the expectations must be communicated early.
3. Marriage isn’t Just a Series of Good Days
Unlike depicted in fairy tales, marriage is not the final chapter of an epic love story. Instead, it is the beginning of the book, one whose pages will be filled with fairytales, thrillers, comedy, tragedy, and sacrifices, all in one.
Couples suffer from an acute sense of unhappiness and insecurities when they end up comparing their real-life marriage to the romanticized tails of movies and books.
But, realizing the truth that marriage is not just a series of good days but a lifetime of rain, hurricanes, storms, and rainbows mixed together, can help you step into a marriage with the right frame of mind.
Many times, it is about finding a ray of hope to stick with even when it’s brutally hard.
4. The Person You Marry is After all a Person
Your spouse will eventually fall off their pedestal, and/or you’ll peel back your blinders to see you’ve married a real human, flaws and all.
“You’re also taking on your partner’s family and friends, as well as their history, emotional inheritance, weaknesses, traumas, oddities, irritating habits, fears, and challenges. So it’s quite a bit.”
The most difficult aspect, though, is that people change with time – not just your spouse but you as well.
That is why partnerships need ongoing attention and care. Beware of lounging smugly in the Great Cocktail Lounger of Married Life, thinking you’ve got it all figured out.
5. Marriage is not the Cure for Happiness.
Using marriage as the cure for lifelong happiness is flawed, to begin with.
Yes, a happily married relationship can boost your self-confidence and make us feel more secure and anchored in other roles.
But, getting married in pursuit of being ‘happily ever after is not the right path to go about it. Along with marriage, other variables such as a shared understanding of togetherness and personal compatibility can cultivate happiness in a relationship.
6. You will have to Work Harder than you Ever Imagined
You must have heard people say, “Marriage takes work.” In your naivete, you might think that you will struggle to get along with your partner’s annoying habits like tenacious knuckle cracking.
But, as humans, all of us have mysterious, unplumbed depths – and sometimes even a lifetime is not enough to learn your spouse.
That’s why every time you think you have mastered your other half, they will change a bit, and so will you. As two separate individuals, you will grow and evolve, and marriage is all about finding a way to keep relating and nurturing one another.
You’ll have to work harder than ever, as will your partner. So, don’t push yourself- or him- too hard because marriages are a fragile knot. And as good memories and togetherness tighten the bond, accusation, tears, and exhaustion also loosen it.
7. Sometimes There is no Option but to Quit, and it’s Okay
Contrary to popular belief that quitting is for losers, getting out of a toxic relationship is not an easy choice to make. It takes courage to leave something that you thought would last forever.
In marriage, it takes bravery to:
- Know when to quit
- Leave a toxic relationship
- Demand more from life
- Give up on something that’s isn’t working
- Take the plunge and move on.
And know this, quitting doesn’t make you a loser. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away from relationships that are too wrecked to repair rather than letting them take you down with them.
Marriage: A Reality Check
I want to share the reality of the pain and love that marriage incurs with you.
Marriage doesn’t look like the movies and books you read, instead, it looks like sacrifice. It seems like a choice. It looks like anger, love, passion, connection, and sometimes loss of connection that can’t be reconnected.
It looks like evaluating what you truly believe about what a union looks like and how it should go.
“You have to ask yourself if it doesn’t look like you conceptualized, are you willing to stick it out? Are you ready to endure? Are you willing to grow and change because you will change? Most of all, are you willing to fight?”
Sometimes it doesn’t work, but sometimes it does. Evaluate the goodness you have rather than what you don’t. Reflect on the moments that brought you together in the first place.
Be willing to apologize and understand that sometimes you make mistakes that can’t be repaired. And should that be the case, lick your wound, know that life goes on, and take the lessons with you.
Marriage is a Choice: A Beautiful One
Every relationship is unique, and the sooner you flake off your preconceived notion of marriage, the easier this beautiful journey will be after tying the knot.
And for those who’ve never taken that plunge, remember this: your judgment and your expectations will be the same judge against you. It will not be perfect, but it can nonetheless be beautiful.
Marriage may not be a fairy tale, but you can create your own happy story together.
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